Another link

Joey from Queens is an up and coming photographer. Check out his work, and maybe he'll make you famous some day.

http://joewehner.com/
and my favorite
joewehner.com/celebrities.html

Father's Day

As an early Father's Day present, my pops has asked me to pass this message along:

"I met a guy at the Las Vegas airport earlier today. It was a very interesting conversation. He runs an Executive Protection agency and had just finished a job with one of the pro fighters this weekend. He gave me his card, which reads 'Honor is a man's gift to himself ... No man can give it to him, and none can take it away.' I like this. It made me reflect. If the occasion arises, please post this."

Lady Slang

There are many slang words for ladies in the english language. Wes himself is a gentlemen who does not believing in disrespecting women. Still, from an academic standpoint it's important to analyze these words in the context of our modern vernacular. I have formed my own theories on these words, and what has held each back from mainstream acceptance.

Skeeo

The closest synonym to skeeo would be hoe. Skeeo is a much friendlier term though. A girl might endearingly call her friend a skeeo, in the way that some old man from a 60's sitcom might call his friend a "rascal" or a "so and so". There is a connotation of upward-mobility with the word as it relates to the class structure. As one definition in the urban dictionary puts it, a skeeo "looks like a flawless dimepiece, but really ain't got a dime."
The term saw it's most significant mainstream use when Jay-Z uttered it in Mariah Carey's 1999 pop anthem "Heartbreaker". The word has appeared on various hip hop tracks, and has been used in a few films since, but the public has never latched on to it. Some people theorize that Jay-Z himself is to blame for this words relative failure. According to Wikipedia, "When the (Heartbreaker) video was released, Jay-Z had recorded the single "Girl's Best Friend" for the soundtrack to the film Blue Streak and was subject to a short-term exclusive deal with Epic Records that stipulated that he could not appear in any other videos. During the part of the song that Jay-Z raps, an animated sequence featuring cartoon versions of Carey and her friends was shown instead." Jay-Z later recorded a performance scene that would be added to the video. In the scene Jay-Z rapped from a red bath-tub, paying homage to the famous "Who do I trust? Me, that's who!" scene in scarface. Some say that this was the moment when rappers doing Scarface scenes officially became played out. The damage was done. The term skeeo would forever be linked to an animated Jay-Z.

Biddy

A biddy is an attractive young lady. The closest synonym would be chick. The term doesn't necessarily have any connotations of disrespect. The English language is suffering from a lack of friendly and endearing terms for young ladies. The lack of mainstream acceptance of this word has puzzled some. Some people have theorized that cheesy males have incorporated this word too many times into the same conversations, thus burning it out before it had a chance to catch on. Legend also has it that Pauly Shore used the word for a period of time in the 90's. This claim has never been confirmed, but the stigma still remains.
Probably the biggest strike against the term is that it has already existed in British slang for many years. The term refers to an ill-tempered, un-attractive old woman. Very few people in the U.S. use the term in this fashion, but the potential for percieved insults exists. It should be noted that if you are going to use such words, The Gramercy Riff officially endorses this term for 2007.

Minivan

As far as I know, this is a newer term. It's biggest mainstream use came in 2005 on Kanye West's Diamonds from Sierra Leone remix: "If a stripper named Porscha and you get tips from many men, then your fat friend her nickname is minivan". While certainly not a flattering term, minivan isn't all bad. The term denotes one that is good, large, and reliable though generally not exciting or attractive. There are a lot worse terms out there for plus-sized women. The jury is still out on this term. It's only officially been broadcast to the mainstream for 2 years. It's also a much more specialized term so you don't get as many chances to use the term in day to day conversation. The Gramercy Riff does not endorse making fun of large women, but if you insist on doing so, please do it with class like Kanye would.

Some artists

If you dig art, take a look at these links. At the very least you'll appreciate the uniqueness of these two guys:

alulamedhen.com

patrickbfream.com

Predictions

I predict Hollywood success for the following 2 young actors:

Nichola Burley- Caught a big break in 2006's indy surprise Love + Hate, and made the most of it.
Look for big things ahead in England and soon in the US.

Chris Marquette- The wise ass kid from The Girl Next Door and the little brother from Just Friends is just scratching the surface. He will probably be type-cast as the role of the wiseass, slightly unscrupulous buddy for the next 7 years, until he can fund his own legit projects. That's not such a bad spot for a young actor.

Just remember, you heard it here first.

Numbers

Numbers that are cool (1-100): 1,2,5,7,11,15,17,22,23,24,25,27(the best number), 34, 40, 44,51,55,57,71,72,77, 81, 83, 88, 96, 99, 100

No other numbers are cool (1-100).

a link

Right now the Riff has a readership of approximately 3 people so linking is a little silly. Anyhow, if you're a t.v. head check out this link: buddytv.com. This site started some time last year and it's got some solid discussion pieces for the telly junkies amongst us. A friend of mine writes the majority of the articles, thus the shout out.

An offer you can't refuse

2 years ago when I was jobless, and wasting even more time on the internet than I already do. One day a friend of mine contacted me. He asked me to harass his former landlord via email. I thought that might be kind of immature and gutless. Faced with the prospect of actually looking for a job, I reconsidered and decided to give the landlord a shout. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The premise: a sports agency is contacting the asshole landlord because he happens to have the same name as a high school phenom baller.


Good evening,

I'm writing on behalf of an up and coming company which represents
atheletes and college atheletic programs. We represent a University
that shall remain nameless for the time being. This University has
just signed a top atheletic recruit named David Crest. We anticipate
that once Daniel gets an opportunity to showcase his talents, there
will be a clamoring towards him similar to that of a young Kobe
Bryant. He will be wearing the number 28 next year. What we like to
do in these situations is obtain the rights to inboxes closely related
to the personal images of our more high profile clients. At this time
I would like to ask you for you to relinquish the rights to this inbox
to our company. Hotmail is willing to grant us use of the name on the
condition that you agree. In exchange, we can arrange for you to get
seats as close as the 10th row for David's summer all star exhibition
in July. We can also offer you a replacement address under Gmail.
Gmail actually offers the most expansive features of any email service
providers. With a gigabyte of space you would never have to delete
another email for the rest of your life. I've already checked and
apparently DavidCrest28881@gmail is available. Let us Know what you
think. Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

-Wes.


"David" was nice enough to respond:


Wes,

At this time I would like to keep the name. Ironically I scout for college
athletes in hockey and 28 is my old college hockey number.

Thanks,

Dave Crest.


Nice try Dave, but your lame ass would never hack it in my imaginary sports agency.
'Hockey Scout' is code for middle aged landlord who still creeps on 16 year olds at high school sporting events. Step!

Osaka Nights

I was walking around the streets of Osaka late one night. It was raining lightly and the streets were empty. Down one quiet alley, there was a mysterious looking white door. The door was slightly ajar and above it was a neon sign with a couple Japanese characters. I poked my head through. A dimly lit staircase lead up to another open door that called me to delve further.
At the top of the stairs strange whispers could be heard. Through the second floor door I could see nothing but brown sheets hanging in a large room. An old man with a mustache sat 10 feet away in front of a cash register. He walked over gingerly and pointed to a menu on the wall. 17 Items were listed from least to most expensive.
The man could tell I was confused so he pointed to the second line. He held his hand out in a half fist and gestured up and down repeatedly, nodding knowingly. I had a decent idea of what was going on but I showed little reaction. Behind the curtains I heard whispers and faint groans. I took in the aroma of sweaty air and cheap incense. The old man took my silence for confusion. He waved me off like a frustrated charades player and pointed further down the list. He again extended his half fist, this time bobbing his head above it. I turned my head to the sound of a woman giggling in the next room.
When I turned my head back the old man was back at his list. This time he pointed to the seventh item on the list and began humping the register stand. After standing awkwardly for what felt like at least 50 seconds, I waved no thank you, chickened out and walked backwards out of the door.
Several times since then I've reflected on that night. I wonder if the old man is still there today, translating for American tourists. I wonder how many girls worked in that sex warehouse, and how many were there that night. Were they beautiful, or just okay? Did they wear Geisha masks, and act out asian fetishes? What really keeps me awake though is that list of 17 items. To this day I still wonder what line 15 would have gotten me. It must have been something fantastic.

More fun ways to waste time on the internet...

Method # 145: Live chatting with the Bank of America Help Desk


Here's another reason why I like living in the future. Not only do I never have to go into a bank, but Bank of America now provides me a person to chat with whenever I need help, thus keeping me from ever having to see the Sun. These brave souls will attempt to answer any banking question you can come up with. The following is a transcript from a recent chat I had with the bank under the name Gertrude Gunther:

Please wait for an agent to respond.
You are now chatting with 'Robert'. May I please have your first and last name, and your zip code?
You: Help me please
Robert: Absolutely. How may I assist you?
You: Gertrude Gunther
You: I want to take out a loan can you put some in my account?
You: Robert are you there?
Robert: Yes I am and I apologize for the delay.
You: Bobby, how can I get some fast cash?
Robert: Unfortunately you will need to speak with Online Banking. WebChat cannot release personal information about accounts. For the fastest cash, I would advise stopping at an ATM. If you would like to Transfer Funds from another Bank of America Account of yours to the account that needs funds, Online Banking can assist you with that.
You: This nice young man from over seas emailed me. He says if I send him $11,400 to get him over here he can sign for his estate papers and then he will give me $48,000 plus my original money back.
You: I'm going to go to an ATM and take out my 6,200 dollars that way at least he will give me some money. That's a good idea. Is there a way I can take all of my money out of the ATM instead of just 500 dollars at a time? He needs the money soon. Please wait for an agent to respond.

Robert: The best thing to do is go into the Bank and make a withdrawl, that way if you need a loan you can speak with them as well. There is a limit on ATM withdrawl's daily, so entering the bank would be the most beneficial.
You: Thank you Robert you have been such a help. You know you're the first cyborg I've ever met. My friends say that cyborgs are evil, but I can tell that you are nice. When were you created?
You: Robert?
Robert: Well I am actually a real person and I am in Phoenix, AZ.
Robert: We just wanted to make you aware that this situation does seem Untrue. When dealing with your funds, we advise printing the e-mail about the young man, and taking it to your local branch before making any withdrawls from your account.
You: Wow!!! Don't I feel silly!!! I didn't mean to call you a cyborg. But how do you know you're a real person. All cyborgs think they are real.
You: Sorry I will leave you alone about that.
You: This young man's lawyer also sent me an email. I don't see how a crook would take the time to have a lawyer. What kind of lawyer would risk his career for 11,400 dollars
Robert: Thank you for waiting. I'll be with you in just a moment.
Robert: As we advised, please print the e-mail out about the situation and take it into your local branch for authentication. Spammers today will go to great lengths to make people fall under false truths and take your money. Your Branch Manager will be able to consult you directly with this.
You: Okay thank you Robert!!!
You: God Bless.
Robert: Not a problem. It is our pleasure to assist you.
Robert: Is there any other questions or concerns I may assist you with today?
You: I could talk about my problems for hours Bobby, but I'll let you get back to work sweetie! :)
Robert: Please do not hesitate to contact us again if you have any additional questions. We look forward to assisting you again in the future.
Robert: Please remember to speak with the Branch Manager at your local bank.
You: okay what's his name?
Robert: Have a great evening.
Robert: When you walk into your local branch, just ask for the Branch Manager, and they will direct you to their office.
You: oh okay. Does that cost me a fee?
Robert: No there are no costs for meeting with a Branch Manager. They will be more than happy to assist you with this situation.
You: Okay, Thank you Robert I will tell him that Robert from PHX helped me. Goodbye darling.

Version 1.0

Welcome to the first ever post on the Gramercy Riff. Here's to many more. Cheers.