A group of Ivy League researchers spent the last few years collecting data from human subjects in business offices all over the United states. Their aim was to quantify and then classify office personalities that were most offensive to those around them. The results they found were fascinating. Though each case is different, there seem to be several common personalities or behavior models most encountered. Each behavior was broken down and classified into it's own sub group. The Scientific term for these subgroups is
Sequenced and Quantified Unrestricted Annoyance Response Emoters also referred to as a
'SQUARE'sLet's first examine a sub group of SQUARES known as the benign group. This group exhibits behavior that is harmless, and only annoying after multiple encounters in a short period of time
B1. The girl s
cout cookie peddlerThis classification encompasses not merely cookie peddlers, but anyone who presses too much of his home life into the office environment. Usually a middle aged parent, the cookie peddler is often found at the water cooler breaking down statistics from his 6 year olds T-ball league.
Common behaviors:
-Discussion of animated films, musicals, or any recent film involving Diane Keaton.
Other interests:
-Talking about his wife's cooking class.
-How interesting this weeks weather is.
Physical cues:
-Wears shirts (always tucked snugly) with "neat" images on the front like
The Incredibles.
-Wears his belt in an Urkel-esque manner 10 inches above his waist line, giving the baffling appearance of swollen ovaries.
-A fanny pack
-No less than four 12 by 16 inch framed family pictures on his desk.
B2. The senile old woman
This person is often found working in a clerical, or support role. The problem with the senile old woman lies when you attempt to engage her in conversation. There is no conversation topic for her that cannot be transitioned into another topic. The senile old woman will ask you a question, and pause only long enough for you to acknowledge that one has been asked before moving to her next point.
Common Behaviors:
-Discussion of her 40year old son who still lives at home.
-Common references to pop culture figures who died over 30 years ago.
-The ability to talk for 15 minutes straight without intaking fresh oxygen
-An adamant belief that Weapons of Mass Destruction actually
were found in Iraq.
Other interests:
-The rapture.
Physical Cues:
-a Bush/Cheney 00' bumper sticker.
-Blankness behind the eyes.
B3. The Pot luck chairman
This person (not necessarily a woman) is the foremost authority on any food in the office. The potluck chairman is incredibly versatile capable of organizing food gatherings for nearly any occasion. Rest assured if you did not bring your assigned batch of Green dyed potato salad to the St. Patty's Pot Luck, she will not allow you inside the break room to share with the others. The Pot Luck chairman has usually enjoyed average success at best in the office. The irony is that if she focused even half of her energy into her actual job she would likely be a vice president. The Pot luck chairman is in the same genus as the fun committee chairman, or the Hawaiian shirt Friday chairman.
Common Behaviors:
-Chewing
-Creating her yearly petitition for a bake off with each Country in the U.N. represented on a pastry.
-Disapproving of things
Other interests:
-Diagnosis Murder re-runs.
-Making sure everyone paid at least 20 dollars on their secret Santa present.
Physical cues:
-The Gout
B4. The bitter man-The bitter man is much too good for his job. If he had grown up with as much money as other people he would be very successful. Usually seen moping around the office, hunched over, checking out the carpet pattern. This individual is happy to tell you how terrible every decision that management makes is. The bitter man somehow never has the time to apply for open promotions, but has small handbook of flaws on whomever is chosen for those positions.
Common Behaviors:
-Instigating awkward conversation
-Sapping the fun out of daily life.
Other interests:
-Avoiding all discussion and thought of his ex-wife
-That time he was left off the JV wrestling team in favor of the coaches son
-Complaining that he wasn't born in a later decade.
Physical Cues:
-A Jackson Pollack style neck tie circa 1983.
-Penny loafers with actual pennies in them.
-A faint scent of peppermint schnapps.
-A mild back hunch (likely moping induced)
Part 2 coming soon.......
